I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Randomize