Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Let's paint friendship bongs
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
