I must be too annoying 4 u.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
