you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
