as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
