If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I met the friendliest cop last night
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I know her cup size but not her name....
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