Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I touched a dick in church today
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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