Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
