I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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