You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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