im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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