we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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