Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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