that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Randomize
