If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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