my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
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