oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
