Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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