is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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