I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
