and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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