alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
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