If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
