I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
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