I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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