That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
