Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
