Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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