I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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