I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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