Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
