Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
third nipple confirmed
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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