we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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