There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
