Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Randomize
