Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
