You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
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