he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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