I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
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