I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
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