If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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