Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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