This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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