Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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