Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Randomize
