You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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