She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Randomize
