My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
Randomize
