the new term for farting is butt boxing.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
