The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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