Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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