if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
