I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
