how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Randomize
