guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Randomize
