id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
