you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
