I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
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