At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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