Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
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