facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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