She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
