I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I can't wait. Forget the royal wedding. This is the most anticipated hookup of 2011.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
