dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
