Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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