Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
