How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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